My name is Jamie. I'm a 5 foot 11 17
year old male from South Wales who aspires to study history at
university. However, I haven't always had an easy scholar life. I was
always a bit of a loner who was bullied constantly from multiple
sources in school, with one of the reasons being my obese weight and
my low self esteem. The fact that I have an autistic spectrum
disorder further means I never really fitted in with people at
school, despite having several really good friends, but I just didn't
realise it at the time.
Back in September 2011 I was starting AS levels after a lonely and boring summer. I had only seen my friends from school once over the summer, and apart from an excellent and supportive friend who I know from outside of school, I had spent the entire summer lonely. Due to comfort eating and mild depression my weight had risen to 16 stone 5 and I was deeply unhappy with myself. Returning to school I was deeply unhappy with how I was compared to everyone else, and I decided to finally do something about it, and I chose to begin losing weight. Without even researching at first how to lose weight at first I immediately began restricting food intake and exercising, allowing myself two slices of toast with a small portion of low fat olive oil spread with one glass of apple juice for breakfast; a banana for lunch on a 'good' day, and a piece of fish or chicken with beans in the evening, filling myself up on water to try and prevent hunger. Alongside this I took advantage of the free sixth form periods and began doing 1 – 2 hours running intensively on the spot at home during the day when my parents and brother weren't around. The weight began dropping off at around 4lbs a week, but unlike dieting where it slows after a few weeks, this rate didn't slow down, and by December 2011 I had dropped to 12st 8lbs. My parents were extremely concerned, yet I chose to ignore them in favour of the 'voice'. My bullying had calmed down to an extent in school, and some were praising me for my losses; but I wasn't happy. A sign something was wrong was when I went on a geography field trip to a river in that month,where in the snow and freezing water, on 300 calories that day the inevitable happened, and I collapsed into the river. Yet I didn't take this as a sign that something was seriously wrong. Over Christmas week last year when everyone was enjoying themselves, I was out exercising in the morning on brisk walks in the cold, and restricting to soups in the day, dropping another 2lbs over the week.
Back in September 2011 I was starting AS levels after a lonely and boring summer. I had only seen my friends from school once over the summer, and apart from an excellent and supportive friend who I know from outside of school, I had spent the entire summer lonely. Due to comfort eating and mild depression my weight had risen to 16 stone 5 and I was deeply unhappy with myself. Returning to school I was deeply unhappy with how I was compared to everyone else, and I decided to finally do something about it, and I chose to begin losing weight. Without even researching at first how to lose weight at first I immediately began restricting food intake and exercising, allowing myself two slices of toast with a small portion of low fat olive oil spread with one glass of apple juice for breakfast; a banana for lunch on a 'good' day, and a piece of fish or chicken with beans in the evening, filling myself up on water to try and prevent hunger. Alongside this I took advantage of the free sixth form periods and began doing 1 – 2 hours running intensively on the spot at home during the day when my parents and brother weren't around. The weight began dropping off at around 4lbs a week, but unlike dieting where it slows after a few weeks, this rate didn't slow down, and by December 2011 I had dropped to 12st 8lbs. My parents were extremely concerned, yet I chose to ignore them in favour of the 'voice'. My bullying had calmed down to an extent in school, and some were praising me for my losses; but I wasn't happy. A sign something was wrong was when I went on a geography field trip to a river in that month,where in the snow and freezing water, on 300 calories that day the inevitable happened, and I collapsed into the river. Yet I didn't take this as a sign that something was seriously wrong. Over Christmas week last year when everyone was enjoying themselves, I was out exercising in the morning on brisk walks in the cold, and restricting to soups in the day, dropping another 2lbs over the week.
I spent the entire Christmas holiday revising for a geography
exam, which despite having 100 UMS in I was deeply unhappy with
myself. However, I was also experiencing one of the common side
effects of starvation, which is euphoria, kidding myself that
everything was alright. My diet didn't alter much, changing to a
salad roll at lunch time and vegetables for tea.
This pattern continued to April where I closely restricted, and carefully 'rationed' out food such as chocolates for my birthday, and only allowing myself to eat out of the house if I had lost weight that week; with the excessive exercising continuing. Once again my diet had changed, with lunch now consisting of a salad and a slice of bread and a thin cold cut of meat for lunch, and a small dinner. Apart from 2 glasses of skimmed milk in the morning (an obsession), I refused to consume liquid calories, even when it was obvious my blood sugar levels were low (my unpronounced record being a non fasting glucose level of 2.3). Yet as a consequence of my photography which requires a lot of physical energy, carrying heavy photography equipment around hills for up to 10 hours a day on Saturdays, a consequence was that on these days I tended to 'binge' as I viewed it, though looking back through the benefit of hindsight they only came to around 2400 calories per day. But the next day I would feel awful from it, and I would restrict heavily, starving myself from after a small Sunday lunch around mid-day to Monday morning. From the first week of April I locked myself inside the house revising for my AS levels, apart from an hour long brisk walk in the morning to satisfy the 'voice'. I revised solidly for 10 hours a day, not allowing myself breaks, with the consequence that my concentration was terrible, I had problems remembering things and I was deeply unhappy. I was withdrawn from all my friends and I was terrified of piling on weight from no activity.
After the exams my depression was terrible, now mostly down to the starvation that was occurring. I didn't want to be around anyone, spending as little time in school as was possible. My diet was changed again, as I began replacing more 'solid' foods with low calorie vegetables. My spare time, which I had a lot of, was spent researching food and nutritional information, basically with the sole intention of scaring myself off certain foods, until in the end my fat, carbohydrate, sugar and salt intakes were as low as I could get them. This summer I only saw one friend, who isn't even from my school. I lost all tolerance for the people around me, and wanted little to do with them despite them being excellent people. When I went on holiday abroad for the first time to Portugal I was constantly worried about my food intake and exercise level, only eating salads and fresh fish, with the consequence being on my first holiday abroad I spent the evenings wandering around an area of a country where I couldn't speak the language and didn't know anyone to be away from my family and sink back into my thoughts. When I had my AS levels back I had AAB, the B in my favourite subject history was only five marks off an A in what I can only say was a horrible exam, and despite the fact I had the highest in the school, even higher than someone who went to Oxford to study history several years back. Yet I felt worthless because of it; the one subject I enjoy the most and I thought I was crap at it, causing my depression to worsen. Once again instead of celebrating with food I only allowed myself a first trip to Nando's, my safe option of chicken.
This pattern continued to April where I closely restricted, and carefully 'rationed' out food such as chocolates for my birthday, and only allowing myself to eat out of the house if I had lost weight that week; with the excessive exercising continuing. Once again my diet had changed, with lunch now consisting of a salad and a slice of bread and a thin cold cut of meat for lunch, and a small dinner. Apart from 2 glasses of skimmed milk in the morning (an obsession), I refused to consume liquid calories, even when it was obvious my blood sugar levels were low (my unpronounced record being a non fasting glucose level of 2.3). Yet as a consequence of my photography which requires a lot of physical energy, carrying heavy photography equipment around hills for up to 10 hours a day on Saturdays, a consequence was that on these days I tended to 'binge' as I viewed it, though looking back through the benefit of hindsight they only came to around 2400 calories per day. But the next day I would feel awful from it, and I would restrict heavily, starving myself from after a small Sunday lunch around mid-day to Monday morning. From the first week of April I locked myself inside the house revising for my AS levels, apart from an hour long brisk walk in the morning to satisfy the 'voice'. I revised solidly for 10 hours a day, not allowing myself breaks, with the consequence that my concentration was terrible, I had problems remembering things and I was deeply unhappy. I was withdrawn from all my friends and I was terrified of piling on weight from no activity.
After the exams my depression was terrible, now mostly down to the starvation that was occurring. I didn't want to be around anyone, spending as little time in school as was possible. My diet was changed again, as I began replacing more 'solid' foods with low calorie vegetables. My spare time, which I had a lot of, was spent researching food and nutritional information, basically with the sole intention of scaring myself off certain foods, until in the end my fat, carbohydrate, sugar and salt intakes were as low as I could get them. This summer I only saw one friend, who isn't even from my school. I lost all tolerance for the people around me, and wanted little to do with them despite them being excellent people. When I went on holiday abroad for the first time to Portugal I was constantly worried about my food intake and exercise level, only eating salads and fresh fish, with the consequence being on my first holiday abroad I spent the evenings wandering around an area of a country where I couldn't speak the language and didn't know anyone to be away from my family and sink back into my thoughts. When I had my AS levels back I had AAB, the B in my favourite subject history was only five marks off an A in what I can only say was a horrible exam, and despite the fact I had the highest in the school, even higher than someone who went to Oxford to study history several years back. Yet I felt worthless because of it; the one subject I enjoy the most and I thought I was crap at it, causing my depression to worsen. Once again instead of celebrating with food I only allowed myself a first trip to Nando's, my safe option of chicken.
It's at this point I would like to clear one of the myths
surrounding Anorexia Nervosa, that people just don't eat. The average
intake of a person with Anorexia Nervosa is 600 – 800 calories.
With that you could technically eat a Big Mac, or 6 slices of bread.
The extreme cases such as those who only eat an apple or less a day
are the ones you hear of because they unfortunately don't tend to
make it through recovery. I had lists of safe foods (basically any
vegetables with the exception of starchy veg such as potatoes and
carrots, with white meat and fish with wholemeal bread for safe
carbs) and bad foods (basically fruits including apples for their
sugar content and practically everything else). On my 'treat' day I
would even allow myself something like a plain McFlurry, provided I
exercised excessively after it or restricted heavily to compensate.
Anorexia Nervosa isn't an eating problem in the sense that it's a
physiological disorder. Also, people with Anorexia Nervosa do not
dislike food. One of the side affects of starvation as noted in the
Minnesota Starvation Experiment by Ancel Keys, the bloke who
demonised saturated fat (basically the anti-christ of everything that
tastes nice) is how obsessed people become with food when starved. I
spent hours reading menus and calorie and nutritional information of
restaurants I'm never going to go to, and playing around on KFC and
McDonald's nutritional calculators of combinations I would never
touch. In short, my life became consumed by food.
By September I felt rock bottom. I was frequently feeling suicidal, being fatigued, melancholic, withdrawn and suffered from a serious lack of motivation and concentration. I didn't want to be with friends in school, with some seaming to realise something was seriously wrong with me, although they could have put it better than 'why have you lost more weight, just eating a McDonalds'! It was all becoming too much for me, and I spent evenings crying on my own in my room. It was only then I decided to ask for help as I realised if I continued like this I would have ended up dead. Against 'the voice' in my head telling me that nothing was wrong I went and asked for help. My father was extremely concerned about me, and he quickly got me to the doctors. In the meeting she was vague about details, but said she would put a CAMHS referral in for me, which was dated for December 4th and despite it being obvious in hindsight that I was suffering from a serious eating disorder, she only recorded me as 'suffering with mood'! It seemed as if she was implying that the reason for me losing half my body weight in no time at all was because I was a bit grumpy... All the time I was getting worse, with me experiencing more distressing and dangerous thoughts, and I felt close to fainting frequently as I continued to restrict heavily as I couldn't bring myself to eat for fear of gaining weight. We told the school and they provided a councillor for me, and put in another CAMHS referral. Yet still the appointment wasn't brought forward despite 2 more visits to the GP and more referrals. It was only after a very bad depressive episode after work experience in October half term where I will be honest and say I put a knife to my throat and threatened my family that we basically contacted CAMHS directly. They finally brought the date forward. Then in November I had a breakdown in school in English, and I was forcibly withdrawn from school, and have been off school as seriously ill since then.
When I went for a meeting with them I spent double the allocated time with them, and they brought in a doctor from a meeting as they were concerned with my symptoms. I was showing signs of severe starvation, my weight 9 stone 3, my blood pressure very low and showing signs of severe damage to my body as a consequence of the starvation. At the follow up meeting I lost another pound and the doctor basically said looking at my daily intake I was taking around 900 calories on average, and that if I lost another pound by the following week he would have no choice but to section me over Christmas. Yet only then did someone finally say to me that I suffered from Anorexia Nervosa (and OCD, anxiety and depression, with a very high probability of suffering from an autistic spectrum disorder).
By September I felt rock bottom. I was frequently feeling suicidal, being fatigued, melancholic, withdrawn and suffered from a serious lack of motivation and concentration. I didn't want to be with friends in school, with some seaming to realise something was seriously wrong with me, although they could have put it better than 'why have you lost more weight, just eating a McDonalds'! It was all becoming too much for me, and I spent evenings crying on my own in my room. It was only then I decided to ask for help as I realised if I continued like this I would have ended up dead. Against 'the voice' in my head telling me that nothing was wrong I went and asked for help. My father was extremely concerned about me, and he quickly got me to the doctors. In the meeting she was vague about details, but said she would put a CAMHS referral in for me, which was dated for December 4th and despite it being obvious in hindsight that I was suffering from a serious eating disorder, she only recorded me as 'suffering with mood'! It seemed as if she was implying that the reason for me losing half my body weight in no time at all was because I was a bit grumpy... All the time I was getting worse, with me experiencing more distressing and dangerous thoughts, and I felt close to fainting frequently as I continued to restrict heavily as I couldn't bring myself to eat for fear of gaining weight. We told the school and they provided a councillor for me, and put in another CAMHS referral. Yet still the appointment wasn't brought forward despite 2 more visits to the GP and more referrals. It was only after a very bad depressive episode after work experience in October half term where I will be honest and say I put a knife to my throat and threatened my family that we basically contacted CAMHS directly. They finally brought the date forward. Then in November I had a breakdown in school in English, and I was forcibly withdrawn from school, and have been off school as seriously ill since then.
When I went for a meeting with them I spent double the allocated time with them, and they brought in a doctor from a meeting as they were concerned with my symptoms. I was showing signs of severe starvation, my weight 9 stone 3, my blood pressure very low and showing signs of severe damage to my body as a consequence of the starvation. At the follow up meeting I lost another pound and the doctor basically said looking at my daily intake I was taking around 900 calories on average, and that if I lost another pound by the following week he would have no choice but to section me over Christmas. Yet only then did someone finally say to me that I suffered from Anorexia Nervosa (and OCD, anxiety and depression, with a very high probability of suffering from an autistic spectrum disorder).
It's at this point I would like to address people's
misunderstandings about OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder isn't just
obsession with things such as cleanliness, but it an anxiety disorder
that compels people to perform rituals to avoid situations that they
would find distressing, in my case, gaining weight. My entire day was
planned from when I got out of bed at 06.26 in the morning until I
went to bed at 21:14, with specific meal times and times when I would
go to the toilet. For years before the onset of my Anorexia I also
had the feeling that made me think that if I didn't perform certain
rituals in my everyday life something awful would happen, such as a
family member would die. It seems ridiculous when looking back over
it, but this is what OCD forces you to do.
That scare I'm trying to use as the force for change for me. With
basically no other choice I was forced to eat 1500 – 2000kcal
daily, but even still I was rushed into hospital 4 days before
Christmas for vital tests to ensure that it wasn't likely that I
wouldn't pop my clogs over Christmas. I was prescribed Fluoxetine (aka Prozac) to
treat the depression, anxiety and OCD. I couldn't return to school in
January, with my family now realising the seriousness of the problem when
I went on a day out with my father and began crying and threatening
to hurt myself all because I had a small portion of fish and chips
where I didn't know the calorific value. My weight only increased by
a pound over Christmas, and following my refusal to eat I was put on
Olanzapine to basically force me to gain weight.
Nowadays I spent most of the time zonked out on cloud nine thanks
to the Olanzapine. I am now close to a minimum healthy weight for my
height and build (11 stone). However, the psychological aspect of my
disorder is as strong as ever, and if it wasn't for the medication I
would be in my old habits. Nowadays I tend eating wise to be on the
other end of the eating spectrum. I find myself binging often as my
starved and destroyed body seeks to repair the millions of calories
worth of damage it has been done. I'm basically forced by the
dietitian to eat 3000 – 4000 calories a day to repair the damage
done to me. I miss all my friends from school, and I wish I could say
sorry to them for how I become as my illness took over me.
I am writing this because the subject of male anorexia seems to be
taboo amongst people, but it shouldn't be. It could happen to any
unfortunate person. However, I'm lucky to have the supportive family
and friends that I have. I urge any person suffering from eating
problems to seek help, it may just save your life like it did to
mine.
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