A year’s experiences.
“Here's to the good times, the bad
times, the times that could have been,
to the wrong times, the right
times, I know we'll breathe again, until then...”
Prime Circle –
'Breathing'
I've never opened something with song
lyrics before, yet I feel it's highly appropriate to start this post
with part of my favourite song of all time. In many ways it sums up
this year from my perspective. However, it also relates highly to the
message of this post. We all have experiences, and from my
perspective, this is what this experience has taught me.
At the time I'm starting
this post it is December 14th and I'm sat on the fourth
floor of Cardiff Library. Any shopping district is busy at this time
of year, yet today this part of Cardiff is exceptionally busy, even
for a December Saturday. Today the famous Coca-Cola Truck that has
become a herald of Christmas is visiting Cardiff, and The Hayes below
is full of happy, smiling people. Perhaps it sounds like I'm ever so
slightly digressing here, but looking down at the street below makes
me wonder what it would be like to always view life in a positive
way. Of course, if you were to stop any one of those below and
examined their life story, it would be very, very unlikely for anyone
of them to have lived their life entirely happy. Everyone has their
own story to tell. They'll have good parts and not so good parts, but
everyone's life is interesting, even if they don't realise it. Each
of them would have had unique experiences throughout their lives, and
these have doubtlessly shaped them as an individual.
In my case, 2013 has
shaped me as an individual in ways I never thought it could have. As
Charles Dickens remarked, “It
was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was
the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness”. The A Tale of
Two Cities quote is one of the best known quotes from English
literature, and when considering this year from my perspective, it is
a highly relevant analogy. This year has seen times of renewal, joy
and happiness; however, it has been an incredibly difficult year in
so many ways.
I've mentioned the winter
and summer in previous posts, so I'll only post a brief recap. To go
into great detail would surely require a long book (not a plug, I
don’t have the time to write a full length book as of yet...).
January is a difficult
time for many people as a new year dawns, yet my January was
exceptionally difficult. January started and I was out of school to
recover from Anorexia Nervosa and depression; yet it was still
incredibly difficult. The psychiatrists realised that I could not
tackle the thoughts that were preventing me from progressing, and
they prescribed me the antipsychotic Olanzapine. The next two months
were spent practically knocked out due to the effect of the drug,
with large food binges as my body cried out for fuel. Most people
await their 18th birthday with great anticipation – I
didn't. My 18th birthday was a rather miserable affair as
I was simply too unwell to enjoy it. To my family's credit they did
all that they could to make the most of a bad situation, yet I was
experiencing extreme sadness, and nothing can change that. It's not a
case of being able to 'think positive and the world will be fine'.
You're trapped amidst a growing mountain of melancholy and turmoil,
and as horrible as the Olanzapine was, perhaps it helped prevent much
worse from happening. However, after a holiday to Lanzarote that
turned out 'interesting' to say the least, and one that I will write
about in much greater detail in future to show how what was supposed
to be a positive experience ended up being quite a negative, yet
changing experience, things began to change.
The spring and summer of
2013 offered an extreme pathetic fallacy for me with the glorious
weather that characterised the spring and summer of 2013. April began
a new chapter as I was taken off the antipsychotics. Until the middle
of August I enjoyed what was perhaps the best experience of my life,
and perhaps it is best that I term this ‘The Grand Summer’ for
reasons that will become apparent. I found myself full of energy,
able to do 6 – 7 mile walks daily and wanting more. I spent money
like there was no tomorrow; I felt on top of the world, taking on
many different things; and I felt invincible and reckless, even
possibly manic. I spent more time with friends than I ever had done
in my life; and even I will admit my behaviour was at times, quite
over the top. I deliberately used to see how little sleep I could go
on; and took on multiple tasks, arguably, too many. I spent over a
£1000, hence 'The Grand Summer', and I found myself experiencing my
own little world in which few things could go wrong. As glorious as
this may seem was at no point sustainable, and as great as the time
felt, if it had continued then I would have almost certainly became
gripped by the feeling and ended.
Although this is quite a
negative view for what appeared a happy time, that particular
experience did help me form qualities I never had before. Combined
with the continued cognitive
behavioural therapy I developed confidence and self approval of
myself. Although it was over the top confidence, it was confidence
that I had never had before. It was an unique type of happiness that
finally seemed to offer happiness. However, it wasn't the first time
that I've had such feelings of euphoria, satisfaction and
invincibility. I had such experiences last year, around the February
– April time after suffering from depression the year previous.
However, that happiness was not as extreme as that I experienced this
year, and, somewhat ironically, I enjoyed experiencing loneliness in
that time, despite the fact that people became closer to me during
this period. Yet this experience still didn't push me to true
happiness. Anyway, I'm digressing a bit now...
However, mid August
brought about a major change. Perhaps the uncertainties lying over my
head finally reached inside my mind and triggered a descent downward,
or perhaps the period of happiness ended naturally. When I say
downward, I don't just mean the general 'feeling down' that every
naturally experiences as part of life. The difference with what I
battle is that it takes me down to the very bottom. It's an
experience that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. As controversial
as anti-depressants are to those who are lucky enough to never have
had any experience of them, it's at these times that they help pull
me through.
However, perhaps
September, October and November were three of the most normal months
I have had in a long while. I define normal as lacking the relative
over-the-top and rock bottom feelings of the extremities that have
characterised my life over the past three or so years. However, even
during these periods of normality I'm not stable. I experience
fluctuations in my mood, however, these are not as prolonged as the
long lasting episodes and can fluctuate wildly from day to day. I
particularity remember one day in November when I woke full of energy
and happiness, ready to take on the world, yet by the next day I was
at the very bottom with incredibly dark thoughts. What had triggered
them? As far as I'm aware, nothing. It just happened out of the blue,
and it's the uncertainty that is so disconcerting. If I could become
aware that I was dropping it could possibly make it easier to cope
with; however, their randomness is scary, and catches me off guard.
By November,
unfortunately, things had dropped back to rock bottom again. I spare
details to prevent triggering; all I will say is that I required in
increase in Fluoxetine, and have had to have had deadlines relaxed to
ease off non-essential pressures. In the middle of December I had my
first psychiatrist appointment since the summer. Although the
previous appointment had mostly related to the possibility of me
having Aspergers Syndrome, this appointment's focus was changed to
calming down the extremities of my moods. Once again I had a new
psychiatrist, and this psychiatrist's concern was levelling me out.
However, when she wrote out a prescription for Quetiapine I
immediately wanted to burst out crying. I knew exactly what that drug
was – it was an antipsychotic, and following my experiences of
Olanzapine with the weight gain and the relative zombifying qualities
of it I refused to take it. My OT contacted the psychiatrist and, to
her credit, changed the prescription to Aripiprazole, an
antipsychotic they reassured me didn't come with Olanzapine's
severity of effects. However, I've only taken it once, and following
my negative experiences with Olanzapine, I'm too afraid to take it.
Perhaps inside I cling onto the hope that one day I will experience
happiness and confidence like that I experienced during the summer,
and perhaps I'm afraid of flat-lining and not just not experiencing
depression, but also not experiencing the extreme happiness. It was
unsustainable, but it was a great experience.
At present I'm coming out
of a period of deep depression. Yet people don't realise. I appear
normal outside. Indeed, many people see me purely as a person who is
always happy and smiling. Inside it's a different story: I experience
pain and sadness that drives me to the very bottom and prevents me
from living a normal life and experiencing the joys that others do.
When looking at the people down below my in the library I didn't
experience the festive joy and spirit that so many people did. I sat
there in a juxtaposition of misery and sadness. I was experiencing a
different world to them, yet we all experience life differently, and
it's just who we are.
I suppose that one of the
problems I face is that externally at times I can feel fine, yet
inside I feel at the absolute bottom. Following a recommendation from
someone who has been incredibly supportive during the last year, I
recently shed my political disagreements with Alastair Campbell to
read up on his work with mental health charities. Whatever your
personal views on the politics of Alistair Campbell maybe, his work
with mental health charities is commendable, and his book The
Happy Depressive helps tackle one of the biggest myths that
surrounds depression – that people with depression cannot be happy.
I still battle clinical depression, and I probably will do so for the
rest of my life. Yet I have spells of happiness, and sometimes these
even come in the midst of deep depression. I may have more relatively
over the top spells of happiness in the future, I don't know. It
wouldn't come as a surprise if I had a further underlying disorder
that caused these relatively extreme fluctuations. Yet even in the
depths of depression, I can experience happiness. However, it is
fleeting, and it cannot offset the darkness that surrounds the mind
at these times. I know that I probably will have various mental
health issues for the rest of my life, yet with time I trust I will
eventually learn to cope with them, and I'm determined to achieve my
own personal goals.
At the time of writing
this I've just dealt with a major episode of severe depression,
except this one was different than the previous episodes. This
episode, quite ironically, seemed to come with a side of relatively
over-the-top behaviour at times. Although nowhere near as extreme as
the summer during these periods I have felt invincible, ready to take
on anything thrown at me and more. Yet these have ended almost as
quickly as they have begun and I quickly return to rock bottom. They
were fleeting glimpses, yet, once again, they were unsustainable.
Fall all the struggles
I've faced, and indeed, continue to face, I feel that this year has
taught me a lot about the nature of life. I'm unwell, I can't help
that. My GP has told me on several occasions about people who have
been on anti-depressants for large parts of their lives, and I fully
expect to be one. I will probably need antipsychotics
at certain times for the rest of my life too. I
experience the top and bottom at random, and I can't control that. As
negative as that sounds this whole year of ups and downs has taught
me many things. My own personal experiences have arguably been the
largest contributor to the person I am now. Following all of this I'm
a new and better person for this experience. Everyone's life is an
experience, and this is just my own personal experience.
13 is an unlucky number
for some, whilst it is a lucky number for others. This year and my
experiences have changed multiple aspects of my life. Everyone around
you has had their own unique set of experiences, and it is those
experiences that have shaped them as individuals. I end on a final
note. To all those who I haven't seen recently who have helped me along
the way this last year, I wish you could see me now.
ADDENDUM: By the way,
I don’t have a delay between the time I complete work and posting,
this was finished on Monday 23rd December 2013, over a
week after it was started.
