When I started writing this blog
back in March I intended it to be something that I updated fairly
frequently to be of benefit to those suffering from eating disorders and other mental health problems. Of course, the best laid plans never work out as
intended, and in terms of post frequency this blog has evolved into an unofficial quarterly affair
for those who do read it, mostly the search-bots that scour the
internet (hey, I'm sure they like my writing, and if not they can't complain...). By quarterly I mean every three months (twelve divided by four is three and all that...).
Anyway, it's the
thirtieth of September today and I'm left pondering just how fast
this year has gone. Of course, this year has been significant for me
in many ways, and how it has been the most defining point in my life so far.
Let's have a recap of
this time last year. I'm not going to go into much detail as I have
previously explained this period in my first post. However, it was
just over a year ago that I first went to the doctors as I couldn't
take it anymore. I was mentally unwell, and my physical state was
starting to decline. It was eight o'clock on a September morning and
I was cold – very cold. I was turning purple just stood around
outside the doctors surgery waiting for it to open as I had nothing
to protect me from the low temperatures. I would sum up what I
thought of that initial meeting, but I've decided to keep my language
on here clean. All that came out of that meeting was that I was
suffering from 'low mood', and I remember one of the useful
suggestions that the doctor gave was 'to take up exercise' to boost
mood – what a fantastic suggestion for someone with Anorexia
Nervosa...
Anyway, overtime my
condition worsened and eventually I was left as a fragile skeleton
days away from collapse and hospitalisation by the time of my first
appointment, and if I hadn't been seen, I was certainly weeks away
from death. A few days prior in that dismal mid-November I was taken
out of school as I simply was too unwell to attend. What followed
from there could have an entire book written about it (don't give me
ideas...) as I faced the turmoil of resisting my mind as I struggled
to recover, but I've briefly touched upon it in my previous post, and
I will probably write a more detailed account of that time in the
future. By May I was discharged from CAMHS to the adult services,
pretty much unrecognisable to how I was before, not just physically
as weight-restored, but the strongest I've ever been mentally. Not
only had I started to learn how to deal with my eating disorder and
dark thoughts, but for the first time ever I had began to develop the
social skills I had always lacked. Perhaps most importantly for me, I
began to learn about who I am, and why I'm the way that I am. To
quote my CAMHS psychiatric nurse, I'm starting to find out why I'm 'a square peg in a round hole.'
I last updated this blog
back in June on a journey from Cardiff to Swindon, prior to the
summer. I had mixed emotions about the summer as some many things
were going to change once it was over. Not only would I be back in school instead of going to university, I was also going to lose all the friends that I had cared for, and that had cared for me back.
In reality, as the summer transpired, I really couldn't
have asked for a better time. Call it a pathetic fallacy if you will,
but the almost unbroken sun of this summer has coincided with what
has arguably been the most glorious period of my life. Not only have
I finally spent the time with the friends who I have neglected for so
long, and then got removed from, but I have made many new excellent
friends. I've done many things that I have always wanted to do: I've
gone to parties, gone out with friends amongst others. Above all,
I've had a great time. Following a decision in May that I did want to
go to prom to have at least one solid night out with everyone that
I've known (that and who doesn't like wearing a suit? I need more
excuses to wear one more often, though, not for court cases
preferably) I went. I've been out with my friends numerous times, and
I've been loving life. I've got a volunteer job that I love doing,
and one that has provided me with many skills that I did not have
before. I had a nice trip away to Norfolk with a friend, and
witnessed what was one of the most glorious sunsets that I have ever
seen, and one that I would never have seen if I didn't recover. In a
metaphorical sense I suppose it felt like the sunset of the old me
giving way to a new period of my life, but that's just me over
thinking things again...
Of course, it wasn't
always a great time. In particular August 15th (A Level results day) wasn't an
easy day for me. What should have been my day to bask in achievement ended up being a day where I spent most of the time watching all my friends achieve (mind you, if it
all went better I suppose it was better than the inevitable sorrow if
it all went badly). Don't get me wrong, I was enormously proud of
them, but I felt like I was missing out on what should have been my
day to celebrate. I felt incredible sadness as they were all
preparing to move on to the next stage of their lives whilst I was
left behind in the same environment for another year. It had played on my mind greatly for the previous few weeks, and it had almost brought me to one of the lowest points of my life as I struggled with incredibly bad thoughts.
On that night I went out with friends
to celebrate their results, and looking back I have achieved
something this last year that I never thought I could achieve. I'm mentally stronger than I ever have
been at any point in my life. I'm physically well, and apart from the occasional bad days, I mostly enjoy
life. I'm no longer the loner who keeps himself to himself and
suffers enormous paranoia and lack of social confidence. All these qualities were the things that I have
always wanted, and I now have them, and surely that's all I could have asked for. True, I may
not have achieved A Levels this year, and it's more of a qualitative result rather than a quantifiable value like a grade, but I've achieved a state of
physical and mental wellbeing that is arguably much more difficult
than any exam could ever be, and that deserves celebration.
The following weeks were a
period of mixed and hard emotions for me. On the one hand I was out with
friends all the time enjoying life to the full; however, on the other
hand the overbearing thought in my mind was that the next month of my life was to be incredibly difficult, and a test to my recovery so far. I was
about to lose those who I was closest to as they progressed onto
university. I would miss them all, but for me the biggest upset was that I wasn't doing
the same. I wanted a fresh start to life, and university seemed like
the perfect opportunity to achieve that. Indeed, the first week of
September wasn't a good one for me. I missed most of my scheduled
lessons as I just felt too awful to attend. Instead, I lay in bed or
just went on long walks on my own to ruminate in my own thoughts -
those dark thoughts had returned with a vengeance; and events in
other areas of my life really brought me down to rock bottom again. I
did try to write a post then, but I couldn't motivate myself to as I
genuinely felt that low.
Three weeks later
however, and I feel back on top of the world again. Amazingly, this
isn't something you hear very often, but I love being back in school!
Lewis School Pengam is one of the most supportive places you're ever
likely to find, not just through the staff, but through the pupils as
well, something that you wouldn't think about an all boys school in
the heart of the valleys. The pupils I have met have been amazing,
and I feel like I'm part of not just a community again, but almost a
large family again. I now truly what an amazing place I've been in
all these years despite the one or two whose sole purpose of being
there seemed to be there to make my life a misery. On the staff note,
I really couldn't ask for more supportive staff, all of whom are incredibly
understanding to the difficulties I still face. I owe a lot to the school for being there when I needed them most, and they continue to stand behind me even though I'm in a much better place than I was before.
My friends from last year may have progressed onto a new chapter of their life, and next year, I'm determined to join them. I'm no saint by any definition. I still get days where I relapse into old thoughts and behaviours, but now I'm mentally stronger than I've ever been in my entire life, and I'm ready for the next chapter in my story.
For anyone who suffers from any difficulty, especially with mental health problems, as hard as it may seem to be to believe, life gets better.
Jamie
